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Nitty-Gritty

As a continuation of my last post if you are interested here are the details as to my case - if this is way too much information please skip on - I just logistically need someplace to send people to as at this point I am not taking time to explain my diagnosis to everyone in an attempt to spend as much time healing and with my loved ones as possible. In October I had an appendectomy where they found a low grade appendicital neoplasm in my appendix, not appendicitis as anticipated. This is a type of tumor that spreads via mucin (think mucus) and unfortunately at the time of surgery my tumor had already ruptured my appendix exposing my entire abdominal cavity to the mucin. The surgeon also saw growth on my right ovary but left it in place, unsure as to how the biopsy would come back and also unsure about my reproductive history.

I immediately started (and continue to do) to see holistic practitioners and use many, many holistic type treatments in hopes it would stop any growth and kill any remaining cells. So for all my holistic minded support system please don't think that because I am pursuing onocological treatment I haven't sought out other options and supports. My goal is to live a regular length of life, watch my kids finish growing up and hopefully even hold my grandchildren one day so please know that is where I am operating from.

In November I met with both a gynecologist and oncological surgeon who both agreed that based on my biopsy my right ovary should be removed completely. If all they found during that surgery was the growth on my ovary and the biopsy came back matching the original I would be monitored very closely for at least ten years to make sure no new growths were forming but as far as immediate treatments that would be the end of the road. At that point in time I was worried that the cancer would return at some point but also very positive that at this time there would be no new growth found.

In early January I had a colonoscopy that was all clear which showed good healing on the inside of my colon on the surgery site so that was exceptionally good news.

January 18 I had my right ovary removed on very short (2 day) notice when I was still expecting another 4-8 week wait. My abdominal pain and nausea had been increasing and I was very positive about getting this surgery out of the way and putting this mess as behind me as possible and hopefully avoiding chemo and further surgeries. 

Unfortunately during surgery there were new lesions (growths) noted on my periteneal lining. This led to another few hard weeks of fear, anger, worry and sadness similar to the first time I learned my tumor wasn't benign. I didn't blog about it because I thought I would spare everyone reading about that all over again ;) If you didn't read it the first time it is the three posts labeled 'Surprises'.

Now I am waiting for another surgery called a cytoreductive surgery plus hyperthermic intraperitoneal chemotherapy (CRS/HIPEC) that is frankly, a doozy. Even on oncology sites (which we can all agree cancer patients are subject to some terrible surgeries) it is refered to as MOAS which stands for Mother of All Surgeries. So yes I am a scared about it. Yet I am very thankful it exists as it has only been used for the last decade. While it is not considered a 'cure' and isn't 100% effective, previously people with Appendix cancer were all considered terminal so overall I am beyond grateful to all the medical professionals who have spent their careers developing it and that my chances of five year survival are high (80% or so) if my surgeon considers my surgery 'complete'. Complete means that they were able to remove all visible evidence of the disease.

I don't have a date for this surgery yet but will update here when I find out. In the meantime if you are a praying/sending energy/light person I would love prayer for first and foremost obviously healing and that growth is stopped! Also prayer for accessing surgery at the perfect time for my case, that I am operated on by the best possible oncological surgeon for my case (there are two in Alberta, one here one in Calgary who perform this surgery), that my surgery can be considered complete, and that I do not have a reoccurance. Also for continuing to feel comfort and peace which even through all this craziness I can say totally truthfully I have felt. For this I am very grateful. Finally for reduced fear, stress and worry not just for me but also for those people who love me as well.

As far as practicals go until I have my next surgery we are kind of just life as much as usual as possible over here and we are doing okay. Emotionally, mentally and physically  there have been many ups and downs already. To say this has been the hardest thing I have done (and it's not done yet) is understating. We are taking it one day at a time trying to encourage and uplift, look for joy and look for hope. We are beyond grateful for all the love and suport we have gotten ❤️

 Picture because I still believe God made the world beautiful. 

Lent is coming

Lent is coming, a month away still but I was asked to contribute a devotional to my church for our Lenten devotional guide. The question asked was 'What is God doing in your life right now?' I almost backed out of writing it as my situation right now is so extreme but in the end decided that even if one other person needed to hear 'I'm not sure' with honesty it would be worth feeling exposed. I expressed my doubts to a friend and she in her wisdom answered 'Highlight reels are for facebook, not for building faith.'

So just in case you need to hear 'I'm not sure what all this is about and that's okay' here it is:

This fall I had an emergency appendectomy that looked textbook heading into surgery. Upon waking up I learned they had found an appendiceal tumor and also some growth on my ovary. Over the next months I was diagnosed, at age of 37, with a rare type of cancer that originates in the appendix.

With literally a one in a million situation occurring in my life, it has been hard to understand what good God intends to come from this. I have felt scared, for my kids, my husband, myself. I have felt angry. I have yelled at God and have cried many times. I think often about the woman who had the faith to reach out and touch Jesus’ cloak for healing and I ask daily for her faith, her certainty in Jesus’ goodness and mercy. Truthfully most days I’m more like an overtired toddler having a breakdown, clinging to Jesus’ leg while he hauls me around. It’s okay I know he doesn’t mind.

It feels vulnerable as a lifelong believer, to admit here, that other than feeling broken down and pushed to my limit, I’m not sure how God is using this.  This too is okay; God is big enough for my uncertainty.  I know that being broken down can lead to greater trust, greater faith, more reliance on God and I try to lean into those promises.

One thing I can say with certainty is I have always felt God’s presence holding me - through every test, all the waiting, the surgeries. Even though I’m not sure where this is headed, I can sometimes see this is all that matters: God is with me, God loves me, and God is good.