(Warning – language, abuse, sexual abuse.) Almost never have I not finished a book. I am a book lover, and I almost can’t bear not to know the ending of a book. Even if I am reading something less that inspiring, I usually flip ahead to the end and put my mind and the story to rest rather than just put it away unfinished, unknown.

This however, was sucking my joy.

Full disclosure: I knew nothing of the plot before I casually added this title into my vacation stack, other than hearing it was steamy. I imagined something like Nicholas Sparks or Andrew M. Greely or Jean M. Auel.

After all, I had seen women of different ages, on multiple occasions recommending this book to their friends and their sisters, in the best seller section of my local chapters. One woman I vividly remember with her two teen daughters there. I had seen acquaintances on facebook asking to borrow the second and third sequels, as they couldn’t wait to get to a book store to pick them up, they were so intrigued. I saw the Shades of Grey babies’ pinup on Pinterest. If all of that didn’t build my case for a light summer read, they carry all three books at Costco. (If that doesn’t put a book into the fluffy but harmless category, I don’t know what does.)

I hated it from page one. Anastasia (or Ana) opens by ‘scowl(ing) with frustration at (herself) in the mirror.’ 50 pages in she continues to bash her looks at every opportunity, she has met a ‘young and very attractive’ potential abuser and the writing is beyond weak and so cliché it makes me wonder how this book became a best seller.

Then I got angry. I struggled to read about half way through the book and it wasn’t only the shoddily written, ‘fucking hard’ scenes between an experienced dominator and a just college graduate virgin, that turned me off. It wasn’t the fact that she agrees to have unprotected sex with someone she has known for less than a month, and has admitted to having 15 other sexual partners, on his word that he is STD free. It wasn’t the fact that the main male character keeps buying Ana expensive stuff and ‘forcing’ her to take it. (Although to be fair these all added to my anger.) The base of my anger was there because women turned this appalling book written by another woman into a best seller.

Oh I was mad! I was ranting to my poor husband, held captive in the driver’s seat about how women have no respect for themselves, if they are going to buy like this. I was angry at women, for all the women who are suffering out there, at the hands of those of us who can choose differently for popularizing the submissiveness of women.

Because ladies, we all know this! Meeting a man who wants to 'fuck you hard, and then punish you, or 'punish you and then fuck you hard' is not romance. It is abuse! I know women in real life who have been or who are hit by the men they love for disobeying and it is not and never will be sexy! Trying to love someone enough to change them from someone who physically punishes you, when you God forbid, roll your eyes at them, wear something they don’t approve of, or see someone they dislike does not work in the real world - ever. (I am assuming that the title of the third book 50 Shades of Freed means that eventually Christian stops abusing Ana and they have a ‘normal’ relationship.) Insinuating to women through this work of fiction that the women’s desire is enough to change an abusers pattern is downright scary and deceitful.

I was livid and sick. Because this - is - real. There are women around the world being punished, beaten, raped, and pillaged and never, never, for the love of God, never, is it entertainment.

It has been four days since I stopped reading. I have processed a bit now and although I can still feel the anger, sadness is now overtaking it. There are women and men out there struggling every day to further egalitarian relationships, feminism and nonviolence and this fictional book gone bestseller feels like such a setback. I am mourning for that.

I am weeping for all the women who are out there, suffering, while a crappily written book, glorifies abuse and subordination. I have two daughters, both still really baby girls and this is not what I want for them. I can’t imagine there is a mother out there who does. So why hold it up in acclaim if you wouldn’t want your daughter playing the main role?

Women, beautiful women of the world, when can we start imagining a more creative (dare I say stimulating) future for ourselves, enough to reject this type of story? Women are strong and we are capable of changing the world for our sisters, our daughters and our sons. Let’s join together and reflect that in our fantasy life as well. Let’s partake in stories worth telling, because those are the stories worth living. Edited to add: I could continue to write about this and the issues I think it speaks to because frankly more stuff just keeps coming up with this social phenomenon, and I may or may not do that. Since I read two other good articles about this that I agree with. One was on Red Letter Christians 50 Shades of Broken - Why Do Women Fantasize About Abuse and Why I Am Not Reading 50 Shades of Grey.

I am feeling anxious because books that change faith are nothing to handle lightly. Faith feels about as solid as water, but just as glorious to be submerged in. Like Sarah I am sharing books that changed my faith - not all are favourites or even books I would recommend, but they are books that shifted what is holy ground for me.

A New Kind of Christianity by Brain McLaren

I do not often lend this book out. It feels slightly dangerous to me, as it so rocked my happy little, Beth Moore bible study doing, been a Christian my whole life, world on several fronts. I found myself alternating between saying 'Yes, yes!' and 'What the what!!' Several of Brian's questions left me with ideas that were impossible to assimilate with where my faith was at the time. But Brian also leaves you with questions and hope that are gracious and loving. He is the real deal, a passionate lover of G-d and the church. I truly appreciate how he leaves you dreaming of a better tomorrow.

The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

This book several years ago now, was the first to really open my eyes to my part (my nation's part, my social status' part, my church's part) in social justice issues and to really think how Jesus would want me to love others on a broader scale. This book blew my happy middle class mind and I pray I don't stop being uncomfortable when I think about injustices until they are all healed by the love of God. (Also Jesus for President.)

Can You Hear Me? Tuning in to the God who Speaks by Brad Jersak

While this book may not be faith shifting for everyone - it certainly was for me. I feel in love with the idea of not just throwing my prayers out there - towards God but instead lifting them up to him in relationship and listening to hear what was said back. It was my first experience of the idea of listening prayer and although I don't always feel I can trust myself to discern what is God and what isn't, I have experienced grace filled moments of communing with God inspired by this book.

Speaking of Jesus: the art of not-evangelism by Carl Medearis

Even though I would never have classified myself as an evangelist, Carl shares in this book his pure love of Jesus. Carl is a master at leaving behind Christian labels (having lived much of his life in the middle east) and just sharing stories about Jesus and seeing what transpires from there. As someone who loves stories I appreciate the freedom this book gave me to not feel that I couldn't talk about Jesus without offending. (Runner up - Tea With Hezbollah by Ted Dekker and Carl Medearis - amazing stories found there.)

Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference? by Philip Yancey

Sometimes I am still not sure if prayer makes a difference, but this book gave me lots of food for thought and inspired me to have a more active prayer life - even if it only makes a difference for me. Any question I ever had about prayer was tackled by Yancey in this volume. I appreciate that he shares stories and doesn't come across as knowing it all (because how could we). He leaves lots of room for questions and growth, while depicting prayer as a thing of beauty.

Walking on Water by Madeline L'Engle

Not only did this book change my faith, it is a book I love and reread sections of all the time. Several of L'Engle's books, but this one in particular gave me a relationship with the mysterious part of God and my faith. I have appreciated being able to embrace the unknown, that God is bigger and more beautiful than I can ever imagine and these things were inspired by L'Engle. Her chapter on the transfiguration nearly blew my ever-loving mind with its beauty in pointing out the holiness of that event. I think I underlined most of this book. (Also any of L'Engle's books but especially A Wrinkle in Time.)

Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott

Anne Lamott - beautiful, wise, gracious, real. She shares her faith and stories in Traveling Mercies in such an everyday, yet poignant way. Right beside daily details are pieces of the holy, which is just the way life is. Her honesty in sharing her struggles with faith and otherwise, coinciding with her belief in the loving nature of God soothes my soul.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller

In this book Donald Miller shares about his experience in trying to make a movie about his life and the changes that process instigated. I couldn't help but be inspired by Donald Miller sharing his own and other's journeys, to dream more about living a beautiful story with God.

And with that I end my list at eight. I have read many, many faith books over the years, but these are the ones that sit the most with me now at this current chapter in my growth. I have also backed off reading so many faith books in the past few years but am feeling in a place where I want to start adding to my list again. In both her original post and the comments on Sarah's post, there are many which have piqued my interest and been added to my want to read list. I feel excited to be at a time of hope and transition for the church as a whole and how relationship with God is lived out in day-to-day life.